Time for some venting and releasing loads of emotions. Expect a tl;dr.
*sigh* Today has been one awful, emotional roller coaster. Ever since a week or two before my birthday, I've been feeling really depressed.
First off, I really wanted to go to King's Island with my family as a nice treat because nobody but Amy and I have been there. So when I brought it up with my mom, she thought it was a good idea. Turns out she was referring to just Yudi and I going, but considering Yudi is in Argentina at the moment, we couldn't have gone together. And knowing her, she would've been like, "Oh, I don't have enough money...Blah blah blah". I didn't really want to go with her in the first place, because I've already been there with her twice. I thought it would've been a nice day to spend with the family and we could've had a lot of fun. So just for some reason, the thought of us not going there really bummed me out. I had no other plans for my birthday. I didn't want to throw a party because who would I invite?? I don't really have many people I can call my friends here. Which leads me to another point of my depression; friends.
I know it's not a big deal, but it's the thought and wishes that count, but on Facebook, there were hardly any of my so called friends that wished me a happy birthday, even Whitney didn't, which surprised me. I just felt really upset by that, considering I wished so many of them the same and I got nothing in return. Yudi didn't really even seem to care. I've just felt that nobody I know really even cares about me. I mean, I know that sounds emo and all and it's probably not true, but I just can't shake the feeling. I mean, my birthday was nice, but it was the same thing as every year. Every one of my birthdays is spent with my family, which of course, isn't bad, but I want to spend it with friends, which I obviously have none. Yeah, yeah, cry moar and all that, but it's a vent post for me, so I can say what I feel. Not that many will read this, but still.
It came to my attention that night of my birthday that maybe I really need to reconsider my friends. I honestly don't feel any connection with a lot of my acquaintances, mostly because I have nothing in common with them. Yeah, people may say "opposites attract" but I honestly don't feel that it applies in real life, well, at least my life. There are only a few people who have similar interests as me, but I never really talk to them, mostly out of awkwardness. To me, I want friends who actually would want to hang out with me, not make up every excuse in the book to not hang out with me. I want friends who care about my feelings, whether I feel really sad or happy. Comfort me when I'm sad, cheer me on when I'm feeling good about myself. Honestly, Facebook has ruined me. I'm always expecting those things I just mentioned whenever I post a status update about my feelings, but nobody responds. However, when someone like Yudi has her annoying little sob stories, many friends will try to comfort her, including me. But I feel like I get nothing in return from her (or other friends) when similar, if not worse experiences happen to me. I don't want just an "Oh, I'm sorry *sadfaise*" I want my friends to talk to me and try their best to cheer me up, just like I do to them. All I want is the same respect given to me as I give to them.
I want to be around people who I can be myself with, where I don't have to feel like a complete idiot if I told them, "Hey, I like anime, I cosplay, oh, and I also love listening to Kpop" and so on. I've realized this in my Japanese class this quarter. There are many like minded people in that class, who know what I'm talking about and even have similar interests, like anime and cosplay. I don't have to think, "wow, this person's gonna think I'm the biggest dork of all time" because you know what?? They are big dorks, exactly like me. Now I haven't talked to a whole lot of the kids in my class, but I definitely can say I feel very comfortable in that class. It's like a geek haven for me XD No matter how tired I am that day, I always want to stay in that class longer than we're supposed to, just because I really enjoy it. I feel sad when I have to leave and return to my "fake world". Now I know that I can still act myself around other people, but I'm really not like that. I'm not strong enough to fully express myself of others, I'm always trying to stay out of the limelight, so others don't talk smack about me. I've always been sensitive and constantly wondering how others perceive me. I want to stop those feelings, but I honestly don't think I can let go fully. But believe me, I've been a lot more open with myself lately than I have been in the past, and it has made me feel better. I still get those feelings back, but they're certainly not as strong as they used to be. Little by little, I'm trying to get out of that bubble.
Overall, I just want to be with people where I'm not afraid to be myself. I'm sick of trying to hide everything, yet I'm still afraid of what people will think.
I've been trying to get over my ridiculous crush on Larry, which every time I interact with him now, reasserts my need to get over him. I've been trying to talk to him online, but I'm not much of a chatter, and he doesn't really ask me anything at all, I suppose that should've been a sign that he wasn't interested in talking to me. The past few times I chatted with him, I regretted it, just because it was awkward and I tried to force conversation, but he just wouldn't respond to me the way he used to. I should've given up then, but I didn't. I still wanted to see him and hang out with him. So this past Saturday was the final straw. I go to the mall where he works at with my sister, eager to say hi and chat with him a bit. So I finally get a chance to, but it was kinda awkward, which upset me. I always have things I want to say in my head, but they just never get to come out. So anyways, I was about to try to actually talk to him when this girl who also works somewhere in the mall walks up to him, talking about how she's "upset" that he didn't text her or whatever. So then he begins talking to her, and he kinda apologizes to me and so does the girl, but it wasn't very sincere, and they continued their conversation. My sister was just like, let's go, and began to walk away, but stupid me didn't want to leave just yet. "Maybe wait a little longer." Pfft. So as I turned around he asked if I was leaving, and I kinda joked, "probably, unless you want me to stay...". He looked to the side, like he didn't really want me to, so I was just like, whatever and left. I mean, what gets me is that this girl comes up to us, totally interrupting our conversation, so then I'm stuck talking to his coworker, which we were both awkward and I just laughed and said she didn't have to talk to me and that it wasn't a big deal. I think she got the idea that I was upset, and kinda joked around with me about Larry being a "bad friend". I was hoping he would come on Facebook and apologize, just saying something like, "hey, sorry about what happened, I didn't mean to blow you off like that," or something to that effect, but of course, nothing. Knowing guys, he probably didn't realize that hey, maybe this really did bother me. I dunno. But it finally got to my head that maybe it's time I gave up on him and moved on, but it makes me feel like an idiot for liking him so much before. We used to joke around easily and I always liked hanging around him because I thought he was fun, but lately he's changed. I guess it's just because he's grown up more and is focusing more on his major, and I've grown up too. But whatever. I'm still kinda upset about what happened, but more upset at myself for being such an idiot trying to talk to him and stuff, when he probably wasn't interested in me in the first place.
But enough about him. I just want to get over him so I don't have to deal with this crap any longer.
Another BIG thing that has been stressing me out is money. I'm almost $100 in debt. I mean, it's my fault for being so frivolous with my money, but I'm really worried about what I have to do. Every few days, I think that Paypal is taking $20 that I owe them out of my bank account. I thought I had enough to buy what I needed, but apparently I didn't. My dad's really upset because I keep spending my money left and right. I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't want my parents to pay up the $20 and all that other money I have to pay, but I really don't have a choice. I don't want them to buy everything for me like they always do... I don't know, but this whole situation has been stressing me out all evening. I really want to be a much better person than I am. I want to be a more studious and good student, I want to have a job, my driver's license, some money so I can pay all this crap off, but I'm afraid because I don't know where to start. I really can't motivate myself. I feel like such a child because I need my parents to tell me what to do all the time instead of doing it on my own. I try to motivate myself, but I never get anything done. Lists and goals just don't seem to work for me. I can't get myself to push myself further so I can be more successful and happy with my life. I feel like I'm still a kid, but the sad thing is, is that I don't want to grow up. I just can't get myself to face reality because I don't want to. I really wish I could just do everything that I mentioned, but I don't know how. I don't know if depression is what's setting me back or what, but I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life.
All these things I've mentioned have been eating me up inside these past weeks. I've cried so many times, and because I found out about my money problems today, I cried even harder. So many emotions and feelings have been building up, that I cried so hard, and I felt like I couldn't stop. I had to try so hard not to breakdown crying in front of my mom and my sister. I know I should tell her what's bothering me, but I don't want her to get upset with me about my money problems. She's certainly not the type that would be, "oh it's ok, don't worry. We'll work things out. I'll help you." No, everything's my fault, which in this case, I know it is, but I would still like some support. Maybe I'm just a baby about that... I love my mom and we've been getting along better, but there are still things that I can't talk to her about without her making me feel even worse. She's not always the most compassionate person. And since my dad knows about the money issue, he's been upset, constantly asking me what I'm going to do. Getting a job would be an easy option, but then my social anxieties aren't helping with that. I suppose one of the best things I could do would be going to a therapist. I just feel like I'd spend the whole time crying *shrugs*
So yeah, story of my life right now. I'm just praying (even though I'm not really religious at all) that everything gets better. I really just don't know what to do anymore. I want to work on myself, but I feel like I don't know how...
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