Getting things off my chest...

Time for some venting and releasing loads of emotions. Expect a tl;dr.
*sigh* Today has been one awful, emotional roller coaster. Ever since a week or two before my birthday, I've been feeling really depressed.
First off, I really wanted to go to King's Island with my family as a nice treat because nobody but Amy and I have been there. So when I brought it up with my mom, she thought it was a good idea. Turns out she was referring to just Yudi and I going, but considering Yudi is in Argentina at the moment, we couldn't have gone together. And knowing her, she would've been like, "Oh, I don't have enough money...Blah blah blah". I didn't really want to go with her in the first place, because I've already been there with her twice. I thought it would've been a nice day to spend with the family and we could've had a lot of fun. So just for some reason, the thought of us not going there really bummed me out. I had no other plans for my birthday. I didn't want to throw a party because who would I invite?? I don't really have many people I can call my friends here. Which leads me to another point of my depression; friends.
I know it's not a big deal, but it's the thought and wishes that count, but on Facebook, there were hardly any of my so called friends that wished me a happy birthday, even Whitney didn't, which surprised me. I just felt really upset by that, considering I wished so many of them the same and I got nothing in return. Yudi didn't really even seem to care. I've just felt that nobody I know really even cares about me. I mean, I know that sounds emo and all and it's probably not true, but I just can't shake the feeling. I mean, my birthday was nice, but it was the same thing as every year. Every one of my birthdays is spent with my family, which of course, isn't bad, but I want to spend it with friends, which I obviously have none. Yeah, yeah, cry moar and all that, but it's a vent post for me, so I can say what I feel. Not that many will read this, but still.
It came to my attention that night of my birthday that maybe I really need to reconsider my friends. I honestly don't feel any connection with a lot of my acquaintances, mostly because I have nothing in common with them. Yeah, people may say "opposites attract" but I honestly don't feel that it applies in real life, well, at least my life. There are only a few people who have similar interests as me, but I never really talk to them, mostly out of awkwardness. To me, I want friends who actually would want to hang out with me, not make up every excuse in the book to not hang out with me. I want friends who care about my feelings, whether I feel really sad or happy. Comfort me when I'm sad, cheer me on when I'm feeling good about myself. Honestly, Facebook has ruined me. I'm always expecting those things I just mentioned whenever I post a status update about my feelings, but nobody responds. However, when someone like Yudi has her annoying little sob stories, many friends will try to comfort her, including me. But I feel like I get nothing in return from her (or other friends) when similar, if not worse experiences happen to me. I don't want just an "Oh, I'm sorry *sadfaise*" I want my friends to talk to me and try their best to cheer me up, just like I do to them. All I want is the same respect given to me as I give to them.
I want to be around people who I can be myself with, where I don't have to feel like a complete idiot if I told them, "Hey, I like anime, I cosplay, oh, and I also love listening to Kpop" and so on. I've realized this in my Japanese class this quarter. There are many like minded people in that class, who know what I'm talking about and even have similar interests, like anime and cosplay. I don't have to think, "wow, this person's gonna think I'm the biggest dork of all time" because you know what?? They are big dorks, exactly like me. Now I haven't talked to a whole lot of the kids in my class, but I definitely can say I feel very comfortable in that class. It's like a geek haven for me XD No matter how tired I am that day, I always want to stay in that class longer than we're supposed to, just because I really enjoy it. I feel sad when I have to leave and return to my "fake world". Now I know that I can still act myself around other people, but I'm really not like that. I'm not strong enough to fully express myself of others, I'm always trying to stay out of the limelight, so others don't talk smack about me. I've always been sensitive and constantly wondering how others perceive me. I want to stop those feelings, but I honestly don't think I can let go fully. But believe me, I've been a lot more open with myself lately than I have been in the past, and it has made me feel better. I still get those feelings back, but they're certainly not as strong as they used to be. Little by little, I'm trying to get out of that bubble.
Overall, I just want to be with people where I'm not afraid to be myself. I'm sick of trying to hide everything, yet I'm still afraid of what people will think.

I've been trying to get over my ridiculous crush on Larry, which every time I interact with him now, reasserts my need to get over him. I've been trying to talk to him online, but I'm not much of a chatter, and he doesn't really ask me anything at all, I suppose that should've been a sign that he wasn't interested in talking to me. The past few times I chatted with him, I regretted it, just because it was awkward and I tried to force conversation, but he just wouldn't respond to me the way he used to. I should've given up then, but I didn't. I still wanted to see him and hang out with him. So this past Saturday was the final straw. I go to the mall where he works at with my sister, eager to say hi and chat with him a bit. So I finally get a chance to, but it was kinda awkward, which upset me. I always have things I want to say in my head, but they just never get to come out. So anyways, I was about to try to actually talk to him when this girl who also works somewhere in the mall walks up to him, talking about how she's "upset" that he didn't text her or whatever. So then he begins talking to her, and he kinda apologizes to me and so does the girl, but it wasn't very sincere, and they continued their conversation. My sister was just like, let's go, and began to walk away, but stupid me didn't want to leave just yet. "Maybe wait a little longer." Pfft. So as I turned around he asked if I was leaving, and I kinda joked, "probably, unless you want me to stay...". He looked to the side, like he didn't really want me to, so I was just like, whatever and left. I mean, what gets me is that this girl comes up to us, totally interrupting our conversation, so then I'm stuck talking to his coworker, which we were both awkward and I just laughed and said she didn't have to talk to me and that it wasn't a big deal. I think she got the idea that I was upset, and kinda joked around with me about Larry being a "bad friend". I was hoping he would come on Facebook and apologize, just saying something like, "hey, sorry about what happened, I didn't mean to blow you off like that," or something to that effect, but of course, nothing. Knowing guys, he probably didn't realize that hey, maybe this really did bother me. I dunno. But it finally got to my head that maybe it's time I gave up on him and moved on, but it makes me feel like an idiot for liking him so much before. We used to joke around easily and I always liked hanging around him because I thought he was fun, but lately he's changed. I guess it's just because he's grown up more and is focusing more on his major, and I've grown up too. But whatever. I'm still kinda upset about what happened, but more upset at myself for being such an idiot trying to talk to him and stuff, when he probably wasn't interested in me in the first place.
But enough about him. I just want to get over him so I don't have to deal with this crap any longer.

Another BIG thing that has been stressing me out is money. I'm almost $100 in debt. I mean, it's my fault for being so frivolous with my money, but I'm really worried about what I have to do. Every few days, I think that Paypal is taking $20 that I owe them out of my bank account. I thought I had enough to buy what I needed, but apparently I didn't. My dad's really upset because I keep spending my money left and right. I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't want my parents to pay up the $20 and all that other money I have to pay, but I really don't have a choice. I don't want them to buy everything for me like they always do... I don't know, but this whole situation has been stressing me out all evening. I really want to be a much better person than I am. I want to be a more studious and good student, I want to have a job, my driver's license, some money so I can pay all this crap off, but I'm afraid because I don't know where to start. I really can't motivate myself. I feel like such a child because I need my parents to tell me what to do all the time instead of doing it on my own. I try to motivate myself, but I never get anything done. Lists and goals just don't seem to work for me. I can't get myself to push myself further so I can be more successful and happy with my life. I feel like I'm still a kid, but the sad thing is, is that I don't want to grow up. I just can't get myself to face reality because I don't want to. I really wish I could just do everything that I mentioned, but I don't know how. I don't know if depression is what's setting me back or what, but I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life.

All these things I've mentioned have been eating me up inside these past weeks. I've cried so many times, and because I found out about my money problems today, I cried even harder. So many emotions and feelings have been building up, that I cried so hard, and I felt like I couldn't stop. I had to try so hard not to breakdown crying in front of my mom and my sister. I know I should tell her what's bothering me, but I don't want her to get upset with me about my money problems. She's certainly not the type that would be, "oh it's ok, don't worry. We'll work things out. I'll help you." No, everything's my fault, which in this case, I know it is, but I would still like some support. Maybe I'm just a baby about that... I love my mom and we've been getting along better, but there are still things that I can't talk to her about without her making me feel even worse. She's not always the most compassionate person. And since my dad knows about the money issue, he's been upset, constantly asking me what I'm going to do. Getting a job would be an easy option, but then my social anxieties aren't helping with that. I suppose one of the best things I could do would be going to a therapist. I just feel like I'd spend the whole time crying *shrugs*

So yeah, story of my life right now. I'm just praying (even though I'm not really religious at all) that everything gets better. I really just don't know what to do anymore. I want to work on myself, but I feel like I don't know how...

Feeling like...tired... :\

Ahh feeling drugged up. When I feel like that, I feel sleepy -_- I took some Pamprin to help with my crampy stomach. I've been having cramps for almost 2 hours, it just happened so suddenly D: I also felt so tired this morning, I wasn't very excited for my Japanese class (which I usually come into that class feeling happy and excited), and I just wanted to go home and sleep some more. I didn't sleep well last night... too many weird dreams and songs in my head D: Anyways, I wasn't feeling crampy until after my geology lab (which sucks major butt). I figured I should eat something to make it go away, but it didn't help much... I called mutti to come and drop off some essentials, including Pamprin. That stuff is the only stuff that really helps with my cramps, because my body can't handle Midol. Any type of medicine with caffeine in it is bad news for me ;A;

Sitting in geology class and not paying attention to it at all. I'm really not interested in this class, but I need an easy science class. Before the first day of school, I looked up my professor to see what his ratings were, and some chick wrote that he was very attractive looking. I think she must've been confused, because he's really not that good looking... I mean he's not ugly, but he's not good looking enough to be distracted from notes... Blah, talking about earthquakes. Well, it's not too bad, but I really don't feel like paying attention.

Oh great, 2 douchey guys came in, I imagine they're going to be talking throughout the whole class. They smell sweaty. Not that I should blame them because I've been sweating all day. It's way too hot outside. My Japanese class was really warm and I kept sweating DX Luckily my sweat's not stinky XD

I feel like sleeping... I can't wait for my cramps to go away, but I'm just glad that I don't have to deal with it on my birthday, like I had to the past 2 years. My birthday's going to be this Saturday, but I have a feeling it's gonna be pretty boring. ;_;

I can't think straight right now...

Blogging Again!!

So in the spirit of utter boredom, I decided to update my blog again. I have to be at school ALL DAY, so I figured I should update my blog, just to give me something to do.

If I started with everything that has happened since I last posted, it would be a NOVEL. So yeah, I'm not gonna XP

Yeah, so that's it. Not much of a post, but I may be posting on Tuesdays/Thursdays.

Toodles!! ^^

This paper's coming along just fine

Sarcasm. Sarcasm.

I have to write a paper for my English class, it's really simple: just a 500-700 word argument on whatever we want to write about. Ugh, why is the easy stuff just so hard to do!? I came up with a topic and although I'm almost done with it, I just can't seem to finish it. I don't really even like what I'm writing anyway... It's about texting and how dumb it is, but I just don't like how I wrote it.

In other non-school related news: Last month I bought Ace Attorney Investigations- Miles Edgeworth. I finished it in about a week and a half. It was pretty good and I was pleasantly surprised. I love the Ace Attorney series, but I don't really care for Edgeworth- who is a prosecutor- the main character's rival. But although I still don't care for Edgeworth too much, I liked his character in the game. A lot of the new characters were interesting and fun, especially my two new favorites Shi-Long Lang and his assistant Shih-na. This game had quite a few surprises that were well...quite surprising!! I would talk about them in more detail, but that would take up too much space and time... The only thing I didn't care for is that it was too easy. I usually have to spend forever thinking up the correct answers in the past AA games, which would then resort to just finding the answer online, but I only had to look up the answers once or twice and other times were to just confirm a hunch I had- which to me, is too easy.

Yay!! :D

Umm, what else...?? I've been really wanting to go to some more conventions, there are quite a few near where I live. There were two last month, both an hour away from me, but nobody could go with me ;_; My sisters both had work, and so did all my other friends. Jessica "conveniently" had to work and then go to a dance performance on the day of the other convention. I just don't understand...Why would she not want to go to an anime convention when she friggin' likes anime and Japanese stuff?! I told her everything that happened at Ohayocon and she kept saying that she wished she could go, but everytime I invite her, she just says no.
Whatever. Anyways, I would like to go to a lot more cons and there are a lot of people I really want to cosplay as. Such as older Ema Skye from the Ace Attorney series (well, Apollo Justice), Shih-na (AAI), Hatsune Miku (Vocaloid), and Megurine Luka (also from Vocaloid). *SIGH*

Thinking about buying a new outfit for Ellie. Just something that's kind of cheap from Dollmore. It's a pink mini dress with a matching lolita style headband, a pair of bloomers, and knee-high socks. I would really like to get her a blonde wig because she looks really cute with them on some of the pictures on Dollmore. On Saturday, I took some pics of her and my Jessica's doll, Liebe, and I stole the blonde wig Jessica bought. She doesn't want me to use it because she's afraid that it'll get tangled up, but I used it anyway, just to see how Ellie looked in it. She looked pretty cute!! :]


Ellie with blonde hair :] I didn't get to touch up the picture yet :\


Jessica's doll, Liebe. I touched up the picture...well, tried.

Oh, I think I forgot to mention that I changed Noel's name to Ellie. I don't know how long this name will last, but I prefer it to Elodie Noel or just Noel. She's too cute and happy to have a drawl name. Not that I don't like the other two names, I just think Ellie is cute for her...for now XD

I'm thinking about selling some old stuff I don't want anymore... I'm having a hard time deciding what I want to sell... Of course, it doesn't help that I'm at school XD Well, I should go now. Enough random blabbering...

New post since how long...??

Yeah, it's been awhile. Spring is here, but it's been feeling like summer these past few weeks... Ohayocon is way done and over with, along with two other cons that were right near where I live D: It was fun, although I lost one of my circle lenses two days before the con ;_; I never got to wear them both, just one *sobs*

Spring quarter started 3 weeks ago. I'm taking Ger 203, and in that class, you have to write papers in German. I'm not confident in my grammar at all, so I'm pretty nervous about all that, but my instructor is usually lenient when it comes to writing, which makes me feel a bit better. But still. After this, there are only conversation and composition classes. I'm also taking Bio, Eng, and Rel. Bio is boring beyond reason, mostly because it's too long and while I don't mind my professor, she just drags things out too much, she goes on and on about certain topics. Also, waking up early for 8:30 lab sucks. I hate waking up early...

So yeah, that's about it right now. Too tired to post much of anything else. More later :D

Deco-den!!

Deco-den is awesome!! I love all the tacky, but cute things people put on their cell phones, Nintendo DS', Ipods, etc!! It looks like so much fun!! I really wanna try it and spruce up some of my more dated electronics such as my DS, Ipod, cell phone, camera. They're all pretty old (well, except my camera), so I don't mind getting clue and other cute crap all over it anymore. I found this one website which sells a bunch of the deco-den things such as rhinestones, pearls, jeweled pieces, etc. So much awesome stuff at a really low price!! I really, really want to but a buncha stuff from them!! I was about to, but for EMS shipping, it's $20, which brought the total to about $42. WTH!? I could go with the $5 shipping, but it'll take longer. I don't mind as much as I did; I can wait :]

For my DS, I have a pink DSLite, so I want it to have peachy/pink and creamy white pearls, pink and silver rhinestones, and other pieces such as a jeweled pink heart, flowers, etc. For my camera, I found some really cute little strawberry plastic pieces, so I wanna use those as well as some pink and silver rhinestones. Maybe green ones as well, but I'm still debating on it. As for my Ipod, I want aqua and silver rhinestones, maybe some white pearls, and a Hello Kitty piece. I might want a hot pink color with it as well. I think it would look nice with the blue Ipod, and it would match Hello Kitty's bow (the one on the website has a pink bow). I don't know what I'd want for my phone, it's an ugly orange color, but all I know is that something has to be done to it because I hate it. I tried adding a Paul Frank and a Spongebob sticker to kinda make it more personalized, but it doesn't totally work DX

Speaking of deco-den, I've really been getting into Japanese gyaru nails. They're the most gaudiest things known to mankind, but they're really cute and fun at the same time. See, that's the thing with this kinda stuff: it's so tacky and gross, but it works all at the same time. They're stylish enough that people forget how gnarly they are. At least that's how it is for me!! I've really been wanting to make some of my own gyaru nails and to my luck, the exact same website that sells the deco-den stuff sells nail art things as well!! The owner also makes her own nails, a lot of them are really cute :3 But yeah, I just wanna try them out, just to see what it's like!! I definitely wouldn't wear them to school because they'd have a higher chance of falling off, but I'd love to try wearing them out and about!! Some are WAY too gaudy for my tastes, but something a little simpler would be great!! Maybe just add some flowers, a couple of pearls and rhinestones would be good. Also some bows would be cute :D

I just hope that I can get some deco-den stuff someday soon!! I'd love to try it out!! :D

Looking cute with wigs!!

So, this past...year to a year 1/2(...??) I've been really, REALLY interested in ANYTHING that's Asian cute(more than I ever have), such as Sanrio(well, I've liked Sanrio ever since I was in 3rd or 4th grade...), San-X(Rilakkuma, Mamegoma, etc.), as well as looking cutesy in pics, or trends such as circle lenses, deco-den, etc. Now, another interest of mine involving Asian-y cuteness is....WIGS!! I got into them a little bit a few months ago, and the interest resurfaced, so now I'm really considering on buying one!! I don't know which one to buy because they're all so darn cute!!

Now I know people in the US think that wearing a wig for fashion purposes is beyond weird(wigs are usually associated with premature hair loss or some kind of serious disease), but I like them!! I have the worst hair: thin and FLAT. I can't style my hair if my life depended on it because I don't have the time and I especially don't have the patience for it(and I'm a pretty patient person for the most part), so my daily school hairstyle is usually(and I mean ALMOST ALWAYS) just straightened, no volume or anything. It's so...BLAH. I hate it because I might have a cute outfit on and my make looks great, but my hair is just so dull. I don't really have any layers in my hair and it's growing longer, meaning it's emphasizing the boringness of it all. I know that I could go get it cut, but I don't know what style I want and I'm not really keen on going to hairstylists....I don't really know why...

I'm not sure whether or not I'd wear a wig to school, unless it matched my hair color, but I would definitely wear them out(the same goes for circle lenses: I won't wear them to school, but I'd wear them out or for pics)!! Whether I'm going shopping, partying(which I don't do a whole lot of... DX), or clubbing(which I haven't done in a long time), I would totally wear a wig. Mostly because if I wore a wig a different color or length than my natural hair at school, everyone in my classes(smaller classes at least) would know and it would just be too obvious. But wearing them out while shopping or whatever, you're probably never going to see those people ever again, so it doesn't matter.

Today, I've been looking through some different wig sites, most of them are Korean, at least right now, and I'm seriously drooling over how super CUTE these wigs look!! Of course, the models are mega adorable too!! I just wish these sites would have services in English as well. I'm sure there are plenty of Westerners(like me!!) who would really want to buy one. Well...I guess I should look at some Western sites for similar styles, but they're more expensive. I just found a site that sells Korean wigs for English speakers and the wigs are $50 each. DDDD: Well, they said on the page that most wigs like the ones they sell are over $100, so I guess it's a pretty good deal...

Anyways, here are some of my faves:
Gabal Story:









From Pinkage:


OOOO SOOO CUTE!! I really want some wigs!! 8D