Getting things off my chest...

Time for some venting and releasing loads of emotions. Expect a tl;dr.
*sigh* Today has been one awful, emotional roller coaster. Ever since a week or two before my birthday, I've been feeling really depressed.
First off, I really wanted to go to King's Island with my family as a nice treat because nobody but Amy and I have been there. So when I brought it up with my mom, she thought it was a good idea. Turns out she was referring to just Yudi and I going, but considering Yudi is in Argentina at the moment, we couldn't have gone together. And knowing her, she would've been like, "Oh, I don't have enough money...Blah blah blah". I didn't really want to go with her in the first place, because I've already been there with her twice. I thought it would've been a nice day to spend with the family and we could've had a lot of fun. So just for some reason, the thought of us not going there really bummed me out. I had no other plans for my birthday. I didn't want to throw a party because who would I invite?? I don't really have many people I can call my friends here. Which leads me to another point of my depression; friends.
I know it's not a big deal, but it's the thought and wishes that count, but on Facebook, there were hardly any of my so called friends that wished me a happy birthday, even Whitney didn't, which surprised me. I just felt really upset by that, considering I wished so many of them the same and I got nothing in return. Yudi didn't really even seem to care. I've just felt that nobody I know really even cares about me. I mean, I know that sounds emo and all and it's probably not true, but I just can't shake the feeling. I mean, my birthday was nice, but it was the same thing as every year. Every one of my birthdays is spent with my family, which of course, isn't bad, but I want to spend it with friends, which I obviously have none. Yeah, yeah, cry moar and all that, but it's a vent post for me, so I can say what I feel. Not that many will read this, but still.
It came to my attention that night of my birthday that maybe I really need to reconsider my friends. I honestly don't feel any connection with a lot of my acquaintances, mostly because I have nothing in common with them. Yeah, people may say "opposites attract" but I honestly don't feel that it applies in real life, well, at least my life. There are only a few people who have similar interests as me, but I never really talk to them, mostly out of awkwardness. To me, I want friends who actually would want to hang out with me, not make up every excuse in the book to not hang out with me. I want friends who care about my feelings, whether I feel really sad or happy. Comfort me when I'm sad, cheer me on when I'm feeling good about myself. Honestly, Facebook has ruined me. I'm always expecting those things I just mentioned whenever I post a status update about my feelings, but nobody responds. However, when someone like Yudi has her annoying little sob stories, many friends will try to comfort her, including me. But I feel like I get nothing in return from her (or other friends) when similar, if not worse experiences happen to me. I don't want just an "Oh, I'm sorry *sadfaise*" I want my friends to talk to me and try their best to cheer me up, just like I do to them. All I want is the same respect given to me as I give to them.
I want to be around people who I can be myself with, where I don't have to feel like a complete idiot if I told them, "Hey, I like anime, I cosplay, oh, and I also love listening to Kpop" and so on. I've realized this in my Japanese class this quarter. There are many like minded people in that class, who know what I'm talking about and even have similar interests, like anime and cosplay. I don't have to think, "wow, this person's gonna think I'm the biggest dork of all time" because you know what?? They are big dorks, exactly like me. Now I haven't talked to a whole lot of the kids in my class, but I definitely can say I feel very comfortable in that class. It's like a geek haven for me XD No matter how tired I am that day, I always want to stay in that class longer than we're supposed to, just because I really enjoy it. I feel sad when I have to leave and return to my "fake world". Now I know that I can still act myself around other people, but I'm really not like that. I'm not strong enough to fully express myself of others, I'm always trying to stay out of the limelight, so others don't talk smack about me. I've always been sensitive and constantly wondering how others perceive me. I want to stop those feelings, but I honestly don't think I can let go fully. But believe me, I've been a lot more open with myself lately than I have been in the past, and it has made me feel better. I still get those feelings back, but they're certainly not as strong as they used to be. Little by little, I'm trying to get out of that bubble.
Overall, I just want to be with people where I'm not afraid to be myself. I'm sick of trying to hide everything, yet I'm still afraid of what people will think.

I've been trying to get over my ridiculous crush on Larry, which every time I interact with him now, reasserts my need to get over him. I've been trying to talk to him online, but I'm not much of a chatter, and he doesn't really ask me anything at all, I suppose that should've been a sign that he wasn't interested in talking to me. The past few times I chatted with him, I regretted it, just because it was awkward and I tried to force conversation, but he just wouldn't respond to me the way he used to. I should've given up then, but I didn't. I still wanted to see him and hang out with him. So this past Saturday was the final straw. I go to the mall where he works at with my sister, eager to say hi and chat with him a bit. So I finally get a chance to, but it was kinda awkward, which upset me. I always have things I want to say in my head, but they just never get to come out. So anyways, I was about to try to actually talk to him when this girl who also works somewhere in the mall walks up to him, talking about how she's "upset" that he didn't text her or whatever. So then he begins talking to her, and he kinda apologizes to me and so does the girl, but it wasn't very sincere, and they continued their conversation. My sister was just like, let's go, and began to walk away, but stupid me didn't want to leave just yet. "Maybe wait a little longer." Pfft. So as I turned around he asked if I was leaving, and I kinda joked, "probably, unless you want me to stay...". He looked to the side, like he didn't really want me to, so I was just like, whatever and left. I mean, what gets me is that this girl comes up to us, totally interrupting our conversation, so then I'm stuck talking to his coworker, which we were both awkward and I just laughed and said she didn't have to talk to me and that it wasn't a big deal. I think she got the idea that I was upset, and kinda joked around with me about Larry being a "bad friend". I was hoping he would come on Facebook and apologize, just saying something like, "hey, sorry about what happened, I didn't mean to blow you off like that," or something to that effect, but of course, nothing. Knowing guys, he probably didn't realize that hey, maybe this really did bother me. I dunno. But it finally got to my head that maybe it's time I gave up on him and moved on, but it makes me feel like an idiot for liking him so much before. We used to joke around easily and I always liked hanging around him because I thought he was fun, but lately he's changed. I guess it's just because he's grown up more and is focusing more on his major, and I've grown up too. But whatever. I'm still kinda upset about what happened, but more upset at myself for being such an idiot trying to talk to him and stuff, when he probably wasn't interested in me in the first place.
But enough about him. I just want to get over him so I don't have to deal with this crap any longer.

Another BIG thing that has been stressing me out is money. I'm almost $100 in debt. I mean, it's my fault for being so frivolous with my money, but I'm really worried about what I have to do. Every few days, I think that Paypal is taking $20 that I owe them out of my bank account. I thought I had enough to buy what I needed, but apparently I didn't. My dad's really upset because I keep spending my money left and right. I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't want my parents to pay up the $20 and all that other money I have to pay, but I really don't have a choice. I don't want them to buy everything for me like they always do... I don't know, but this whole situation has been stressing me out all evening. I really want to be a much better person than I am. I want to be a more studious and good student, I want to have a job, my driver's license, some money so I can pay all this crap off, but I'm afraid because I don't know where to start. I really can't motivate myself. I feel like such a child because I need my parents to tell me what to do all the time instead of doing it on my own. I try to motivate myself, but I never get anything done. Lists and goals just don't seem to work for me. I can't get myself to push myself further so I can be more successful and happy with my life. I feel like I'm still a kid, but the sad thing is, is that I don't want to grow up. I just can't get myself to face reality because I don't want to. I really wish I could just do everything that I mentioned, but I don't know how. I don't know if depression is what's setting me back or what, but I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life.

All these things I've mentioned have been eating me up inside these past weeks. I've cried so many times, and because I found out about my money problems today, I cried even harder. So many emotions and feelings have been building up, that I cried so hard, and I felt like I couldn't stop. I had to try so hard not to breakdown crying in front of my mom and my sister. I know I should tell her what's bothering me, but I don't want her to get upset with me about my money problems. She's certainly not the type that would be, "oh it's ok, don't worry. We'll work things out. I'll help you." No, everything's my fault, which in this case, I know it is, but I would still like some support. Maybe I'm just a baby about that... I love my mom and we've been getting along better, but there are still things that I can't talk to her about without her making me feel even worse. She's not always the most compassionate person. And since my dad knows about the money issue, he's been upset, constantly asking me what I'm going to do. Getting a job would be an easy option, but then my social anxieties aren't helping with that. I suppose one of the best things I could do would be going to a therapist. I just feel like I'd spend the whole time crying *shrugs*

So yeah, story of my life right now. I'm just praying (even though I'm not really religious at all) that everything gets better. I really just don't know what to do anymore. I want to work on myself, but I feel like I don't know how...

This paper's coming along just fine

Sarcasm. Sarcasm.

I have to write a paper for my English class, it's really simple: just a 500-700 word argument on whatever we want to write about. Ugh, why is the easy stuff just so hard to do!? I came up with a topic and although I'm almost done with it, I just can't seem to finish it. I don't really even like what I'm writing anyway... It's about texting and how dumb it is, but I just don't like how I wrote it.

In other non-school related news: Last month I bought Ace Attorney Investigations- Miles Edgeworth. I finished it in about a week and a half. It was pretty good and I was pleasantly surprised. I love the Ace Attorney series, but I don't really care for Edgeworth- who is a prosecutor- the main character's rival. But although I still don't care for Edgeworth too much, I liked his character in the game. A lot of the new characters were interesting and fun, especially my two new favorites Shi-Long Lang and his assistant Shih-na. This game had quite a few surprises that were well...quite surprising!! I would talk about them in more detail, but that would take up too much space and time... The only thing I didn't care for is that it was too easy. I usually have to spend forever thinking up the correct answers in the past AA games, which would then resort to just finding the answer online, but I only had to look up the answers once or twice and other times were to just confirm a hunch I had- which to me, is too easy.

Yay!! :D

Umm, what else...?? I've been really wanting to go to some more conventions, there are quite a few near where I live. There were two last month, both an hour away from me, but nobody could go with me ;_; My sisters both had work, and so did all my other friends. Jessica "conveniently" had to work and then go to a dance performance on the day of the other convention. I just don't understand...Why would she not want to go to an anime convention when she friggin' likes anime and Japanese stuff?! I told her everything that happened at Ohayocon and she kept saying that she wished she could go, but everytime I invite her, she just says no.
Whatever. Anyways, I would like to go to a lot more cons and there are a lot of people I really want to cosplay as. Such as older Ema Skye from the Ace Attorney series (well, Apollo Justice), Shih-na (AAI), Hatsune Miku (Vocaloid), and Megurine Luka (also from Vocaloid). *SIGH*

Thinking about buying a new outfit for Ellie. Just something that's kind of cheap from Dollmore. It's a pink mini dress with a matching lolita style headband, a pair of bloomers, and knee-high socks. I would really like to get her a blonde wig because she looks really cute with them on some of the pictures on Dollmore. On Saturday, I took some pics of her and my Jessica's doll, Liebe, and I stole the blonde wig Jessica bought. She doesn't want me to use it because she's afraid that it'll get tangled up, but I used it anyway, just to see how Ellie looked in it. She looked pretty cute!! :]


Ellie with blonde hair :] I didn't get to touch up the picture yet :\


Jessica's doll, Liebe. I touched up the picture...well, tried.

Oh, I think I forgot to mention that I changed Noel's name to Ellie. I don't know how long this name will last, but I prefer it to Elodie Noel or just Noel. She's too cute and happy to have a drawl name. Not that I don't like the other two names, I just think Ellie is cute for her...for now XD

I'm thinking about selling some old stuff I don't want anymore... I'm having a hard time deciding what I want to sell... Of course, it doesn't help that I'm at school XD Well, I should go now. Enough random blabbering...

I love finding random things!!

On Friday, my mom and I went to Half Priced Books, a pretty awesome bookstore that has new and used books for much less than regular bookstore prices. It's kind of like a thrift store though, I can never find exactly what I'm looking for all the time, but sometimes I can find some pretty awesome things. Like on Friday for example, I was just browsing through the foreign language section, because sometimes they have some actual reading books in a particular foreign language, and when I looked in the Japanese section, I found four, yes FOUR copies of the original Sailor Moon manga in JAPANESE!!! Yes, friggin' JAPANESE and in MINT CONDISH!! 8DDDD I couldn't believe it. These books were in pristine condition and even though it wasn't the first four volumes(they were vol. 6,7,8 and 18-the very last one), it was still an amazingly AWESOME find!! I LOOOOVE Sailor Moon, especially when I was little. I always wanted to be a Sailor Scout and I had sooo much stuff, I still have a lot of it left: dolls, trading cards, playing cards, some weird Pokemon based card game thing, some weird real life RPG game book thing this lady from Make a Wish gave me when my sister had cancer, posters I got for Christmas one year and one that my sister gave me, movies, alarm clock, etc. The only thing I don't have is my Sailor Jupiter costume my mom made me for Halloween when I was around 7 or 8. It's sad because my mom did a REALLY, REALLY good job on it- better than a lot what those cosplayers make. I suppose the pattern for the costume was rare, at least for the fabric stores around us. I should post a pic sometime :D Oh, when I was about 12, there was this really cool small store in California called Dance 'n Things and they had loads, and I mean LOADS of Sanrio stuff!! Really good, rare things and they also had some other random stuff. There I found two Sailor Moon paper dolls!! They were from Japan, still had the Japanese writing on it and they were two different sets of paper dolls. I still have them :D and I still can't believe I found something that random and rare in a store like that.

Back to Half Priced Books, my mom also found the first 6 volumes of Vampire Knight(ok, it's not rare exactly, but it's rare to find ALL six volumes together in one HPB store) for only 2 dollars each. I can't believe it because they were all in extremely good condition, read maybe once or twice...

Also a while back, my mom, sister, and I were at HPB in Cincinnati and I found the last Harry Potter book in German. It was the only copy they had in the foreign language section. I was sooo excited!! The book's not in the greatest condition, but I love looking through it and trying to figure out all the words that I know :3 I'm such a dork for foreign language stuff, I love it :D

Speaking of foreign languages, I was in the college of lib. arts at school today, waiting for my conference with my English teacher and while I was waiting, I walked around and I saw a small display case about TESOL and TEFL. My face seriously lit up when I saw it because I want a TEFL degree thing. They offer TEFL classes in the summer apparently and you can also teach ESL in Japan or teach it in some Korean university. JACKPOT!!! OHHH my goodness, that's exactly what I want to do is teach ESL in Japan and/or Korea!! 8DDDDDD I couldn't stop staring at it and smiling like a dork XD

Totally off topic now, I'm thinking on changing my doll's name to Sophie Noel or just Sophie. I dunno what I wanna do!! DX Oh, for my birthday, I got a new wig, new eyes, and shoes for her!! She finally has shoes!! Yay!! The wig is really cute, it's a chestnut brown bob. Her new eyes look gorgey with the hair; they're a light blue color and her shoes are white gladiator style sandals. They look really cute with her dress. I really wanna take her outside since it's beautiful out today :3

PIC SPAM:

Here's Noel in her new wig and eyes!! :D


:3


...Shoes...Shoes...Let's get some shoes!! XDDD


Her wig made me think of Yuna from FFX so I used the green eye I already had with her new blue eye :D I think the green one needs to be lighter, but oh well... Now if only I could get her a Yuna costume!! 8D


Another "Yuna" pic XD


Irish dancer!! I found one soft shoe in one of my caboodle thingies and I put it on her one day and it fit perfectly!! Then a few weeks ago while I was digging through an old backpack, I found another one I thought I lost a long time ago!! Now she has two soft shoes :] Woot!!




Sailor Moon manga :D

Ummm, blah.

Today's kinda been...ugh. I was so tired this morning that I almost fell asleep in my CST class; I kept closing my eyes and lowering my head. It was so hard to pay attention. Today's kind of a depressing day, both the weather and me. Well, I keep feeling really sad one minute, then ok or happy the next. Now I'm at the sad part :\ Anyways, I better not get too attached to liking my English professor... I don't want to like him too much, but I just can't help it!! He seems really...sweet..?? kekekeke XD Well, I don't wanna talk about him too much right now :| Ok, since I'm bored, it's survey time!! :D

Is there someone who meant a lot to you at one point, and isn't around now?
If you mean they died, then yeah, I'd say so. Also someone who is alive... :\ Need to move on from that...

What are you doing right now?
Sitting on my bed, thinking about people and relationships sorta

What do you do when you're having a bad day?
Listen to music, draw, throw a few things around(in my room keke)

Where is your biological mother right now?
Here, sleeping in her room.

Is there anyone who you want to come see you right now?
Yeah, lots of people :D

Have you ever thrown your iPod in anger?
Yeah, I threw mine today, actually.

When was the last time you cried really hard?
Not in awhile. I feel one coming up... :[

Have you ever gotten body painted?
Uh, no

What was the last thing that scared you?
When I had that extreme stomach cramp/ throwing up episode a few days ago...

Why did you last cry?
Because I'm sick of thinking about this person and I want to move on, but I can't. I don't want to see him with someone else, when it could be me. Lame, I know... XD

What are you wearing on your feet?
They're in the nuddy pants right now!! :D

Let's test your memory, what were you doing at this moment a year ago?
Probably doing the same thing.

Who did you last call sexy?
Nobody.

Have you ever held hands with the opposite sex?
aklsaklds :[

Do you smoke weed everyday?
No, I've never smoked weed...

Do you always answer your phone?
No.

When was the last time you went to the circus?
I don't think I've ever been to the circus

Do you ever think about stuff and start crying?
Yeah, a lot ;_;

If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose?
Fall!!

Do you like the snow?
I like it for a little bit, then I'm sick of it. I hate driving in the snow. It scares me!!

What is bothering you right now?
People and stuff like that

Have you ever liked someone older than you?
x3

Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
Nope

Are you happy?
I have my ups and downs.

Who was the last person to call you?
My mom

Do you have a favorite number?
Ummm... I've always liked 3 and 10, I guess. Especially 10. I don't know why...

Are you multi-tasking right now?
Nooo

Who is the last person you got a text from?
My sister, I think.

Does anything on your body hurt?
Every part of me is somewhat achy. My wrist from not moving it often, my bummoley, my back sorta, my legs from having them stretched out on my bed, and my right shoulder from carrying my bookbag all day.

Is there anything on your walls?
Posters of Super Junior, DBSK, and Vampire Knight. Domo-kun calendar!! :D

Are you wearing a hoodie? If so, what color?
Actually, I am!! It's a grey hoodie..

What's on your mind?
a lot of things

Do you miss anyone?
I try not to think about it.

Who haven't you seen in forever?
slfkaslfskldm :\

Did you have a dream last night?
I did, but I don't remember what it was. I had another dream today and my mom was in there and she kept annoying me when I was on a date or something like that.

What is the most irritating thing?
Nobody listening to me.

Where's your phone right now?
on my bed

How are you feeling?
Tired

Are you a patient person?
I think I am, sometimes I'm not though.

What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Gum.

Has anyone said they love you in the last week?
My parents...:]

Do you get along with guys?
For the most part, yeah. I don't talk to them a whole lot, but when I do, I think it's pretty easy to talk to them.

Are there any bruises on your body?
My knee.

Who was the last person to seriously let you down?
Yudi.

Do you ever listen to country music?
very rarely

This time last year were you single?
Yes

Where was the last place you bought something?
At school, buying lunch.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
I don't think I really liked anybody.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Mutti!!

You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life, what is it?
water

Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
No, not really.

When's the last time you talked with the opposite sex on the phone?
Does my dad count...??

Do you think you are a good person?
No, I'm trying harder now.

Do you usually have weird dreams?
Oh yes, I do.

Does anyone hate you for no reason?
Probably. I've had it happen before when I danced competitively...

How many hours of sleep did you get yesterday?
I'm not sure.. Not enough.

Do you think you would make a good parent?
I hope so :]

Are you an argumentative person?
OH YES. I argue all the time with my family. They're more like debate type arguments more so than, "I hate you" or something like that...

Has a boy/girl ever called you babe or baby?
Maybe when I was at a club, I don't remember, nor do I want to remember.

Are you wearing any clothes that don't belong to you?
No, I wear all my clothes. Nobody I know has a similar size as me(I'm not huge, it's just my friends are either too skinny or too fat)

Is there someone you can talk to about anything?
*shrugs*

Who's in your profile picture with you?
a silent film star :]

Is love really worth fighting for?
I like to believe that, but I don't know if it's entirely true.

Is there someone you will always be attracted to?
Most likely. That's why I want to get over this one guy.

When was the last time a person of the opposite sex hugged you ?
My dad yesterday :|...:]

Whats the biggest promise someone broke with you?
None that I can think of.

Do you have an attitude?
Yeah, but I'm trying to change that.

How many kids do you want to have?
2

What song are you listening to ?
None right now, but I was listening to Epik High's song, One.

What does the song you're listening to remind you of?
Whenever I'm feeling down, I know I can make it through. The song itself is basically about wanting to commit suicide and getting through it, knowing that there's someone out there who does care for you no matter what.

Did you lie on any of these questions so far?
No.

If you married the last person that texted you what would your kids be like?
Uh, I don't want to think about that!! DDDDX

Do you know anyone named Matt?
Yeah, a few.

What smiley face do you use often?
:D XD :3 D: DX :] :[ ;_; :| :\ x3 8D Yeah, I love using smilies!! :D

Honestly, have you ever eaten raw cookie dough?
YES 8D

Is there a difference between the word 'best friend' and 'friend'?
Yeah, but I don't consider any of my friends a best friend.

Who is your celebrity crush?
EUNHYUK!!!! Almost all of Suju, Daniel Henney, Anthony Padilla(ok, not a *real* celeb, but he is on Youtube!!), DANIEL RADCLIFFE!!

Do you take walks often?
Only at school when I'm walking back and forth to classes. I don't really take walks out in my neighborhood as much because supposedly there's a sex offender that lives near me DX

Is good grammar attractive?
Uh, yeah.

Are any of your friends taller than you?
Yeah...

Do you crack your knuckles?
too much

Spell your name without an L:
KOTENAY!! My name doesn't have any L's in it.

Who's the last person you talked to on the phone for over an hour?
Yudi, two years ago. I hate talking on the phone.

Did you copy and paste this survey?
Mmhmm...

How do most people spell your name?
KOTENAY!!

Do you know any people who have messed up your life?
Yeah, I guess.

Does anyone know your password besides you?
I HOPE NOT DDDD:

Have you ever gone out of your way to make someone happy?
I don't think I have.

If you had the chance to travel back in time, would you?
Yes, I would.

Are you single for the summer?
Yeah, but now it's fall. So, hopefully not for fall...?? x3

Have you ever slept on a couch with someone?
My dog, Chichi XD

Where do you wanna live when you get older?
South Korea or Japan. Maybe even Germany...

Could you date someone three years older than you ?
YES :3 *looks at Eng. teacher* AHEM!!

Do you get annoyed when you see someone you don't like?
YES.

Yay surveys!! I've got nothing else to talk about. Kbai.

Yesterday

Oh my god, so yesterday, "you know" started and I felt terrible. My stomach felt like it was twisting up in knots, so I took some Midol. Only one though, because that stuff is strong. I then ate some Fritos and some spicy cheesy dip that my dad makes a lot so that way I could eat some food and the Midol wouldn't bug me as much. FALSE(lol Dwight from the Office...). I felt even worse. It felt like someone was just standing on my stomach and inner thighs and jumping up and down. It was terrible. I would feel alright for one minute, then extreme pain the next. I was also freaking out because a friend on CR told me a fellow Suju fan died from stomach cancer and my dad was mentioning the swine flu when I said I was feeling sick and nauseous. Soon, the caffeine from the Midol stated to kick in. I do NOT do well with caffeine because it makes me shake like crazy and my whole body just goes nuts D: So with the initial cramps I had, plus the cramps Midol gave me for not eating enough food, and the caffeine all mixed in one was just TOO much. It felt like I was having a panic attack and I was so nauseous.

I kept feeling like I was going to throw up, so I would sit in the bathroom and wait. Nothing would happen except that I would hiccup a lot. Soon after that, my body got into a cold sweat and I was hot and cold at the same time. It was so hot that I wanted to take my clothes off, but I was so cold that I wanted to put more on. My mom kept telling me to relax and find something to eat. I couldn't do either of them so the first thing that popped into my head was that I wanted my dad to make me some oatmeal(the way he makes it is very good and always makes me feel better).

So after awhile, he finally got started on making the oatmeal and I was still in pain. I kept tossing and turning on the sofa; my body was sweating like crazy, but I was extremely cold. I stood up and walked in the kitchen and got some water. After I drank a few sips of water, I suddenly felt really nauseous. I walked to the bathroom and tried to throw up. First, nothing came out, as usual, just some hiccups and then I just kinda tried to gag myself(with out putting my fingers or something else in my mouth. Hard for me to explain...)and eventually, a little bit came out. I felt just a teensy, tiny bit better and I walked back to the kitchen. My dad finished making the oatmeal and set it out on the table. I ate like, one or two bites. I couldn't make it go down my throat. I decided to drink some more water so that I could maybe throw up some more and then I would hopefully feel better. It worked because I then had to go to the bathroom and throw up again. Then, I told my mom what happened again and she asked if I was ok or something like that. I mumbled something and then ran back to the bathroom. This time, a lot came out. Ok, that's totally nasty, but still...

After that, I felt a little bit better and I sat down and tried to eat the oatmeal again. I still couldn't eat it and told my dad that I couldn't. I felt bad for not eating it, but I imagine that he understood that I wasn't feeling well. He then made me some Jello. I hate Jello, but I wanted to eat something. So anyways, I eventually started feeling much better, but I was still uber dizzy whenever I would stand up or move my head. It was very scary and I'm so thankful that I didn't feel that way today :] My stomach feels a little gurgley and slight cramps, but nothing like yesterday at all.

It's 6 in the flippin' morning. No sleep. First day of school today.

WLEMWLAMALFMDLSFMDSLGMDSGJ!!! Why did I decide to pull an all nighter?!!? OMG I'm so tired, but now it's too late to fall asleep because I have to wake up in less than 45 minutes to get ready for school DDDD: I'm not one who needs just a simple power nap and I'll be good to go. Oh no, I need a full 8+ hours of sleep in order to not feel extremely tired or cranky when I wake up. I don't want to go out of my room because I don't want my parents to know I pulled an all nighter... Oh man, I can't wait to get home from school and fall asleep!! Good thing that it's only the first day of classes, because I would be even more screwed if we really had to focus on lectures or tests... LSDKLSMDLSWDOEFL!!!

Buuuut, my birtday's coming up soon!! I can't wait!! I'm only gonna be 21, but I already feel old... I never really did anything in my life that was meaningful, minus Irish dance. That was pretty much the only thing I ever really did that was interesting. I never participated in any extra curricular activities at school, participate in talent shows, except when I was like, in the 2nd grade. It was the stupidest thing ever. I don't know why I even agreed to dance the macarena to a friggin' BEATLES SONG DDDD: Anyways, I never was in any clubs or went to school dances(in high school, but I did go to 2 at St. Lukes, those don't really count...), I never did anything to stand out and really be myself, I only did things that would make me blend in with others(for the most part). I don't have a job right now and my academic career dropped like a lead balloon... I don't even know what I want to do in the future now. I've been wanting to teach ESL, but I'm not sure if I still want to do that. I just wanted to teach ESL so I could go to Japan or even Korea kekekke XDD I just want to do something different for a change, do something meaningful, but I'm always too afraid of people judging me... Bad thoughts, but I can't help them... :[

Ahh, listening to Super Junior always makes me feel better :] Blargh, I blame Yudi for introducing me to them. Ever since then, I've been obsessed with them!! D: kekekeke :3 More about them later... :O

I'm pretty nervous about my German class, I don't really remember a whole lot from this past year... I'm screwed DX I hope that my other classes go well and that I have decent professors. I also have a new professor for German(I had my other for 2 quarters), so I hope she's nice. I doubt that she'd be as awesome as my other prof. but I just don't want a bitchy teacher... lbgdsfladsflds Whatever...

6:26 right now.... UGH. No more all nighters unless I'm 100% NOT tired. I can't wait to get something to eat, I'm so hungry.