Getting things off my chest...

Time for some venting and releasing loads of emotions. Expect a tl;dr.
*sigh* Today has been one awful, emotional roller coaster. Ever since a week or two before my birthday, I've been feeling really depressed.
First off, I really wanted to go to King's Island with my family as a nice treat because nobody but Amy and I have been there. So when I brought it up with my mom, she thought it was a good idea. Turns out she was referring to just Yudi and I going, but considering Yudi is in Argentina at the moment, we couldn't have gone together. And knowing her, she would've been like, "Oh, I don't have enough money...Blah blah blah". I didn't really want to go with her in the first place, because I've already been there with her twice. I thought it would've been a nice day to spend with the family and we could've had a lot of fun. So just for some reason, the thought of us not going there really bummed me out. I had no other plans for my birthday. I didn't want to throw a party because who would I invite?? I don't really have many people I can call my friends here. Which leads me to another point of my depression; friends.
I know it's not a big deal, but it's the thought and wishes that count, but on Facebook, there were hardly any of my so called friends that wished me a happy birthday, even Whitney didn't, which surprised me. I just felt really upset by that, considering I wished so many of them the same and I got nothing in return. Yudi didn't really even seem to care. I've just felt that nobody I know really even cares about me. I mean, I know that sounds emo and all and it's probably not true, but I just can't shake the feeling. I mean, my birthday was nice, but it was the same thing as every year. Every one of my birthdays is spent with my family, which of course, isn't bad, but I want to spend it with friends, which I obviously have none. Yeah, yeah, cry moar and all that, but it's a vent post for me, so I can say what I feel. Not that many will read this, but still.
It came to my attention that night of my birthday that maybe I really need to reconsider my friends. I honestly don't feel any connection with a lot of my acquaintances, mostly because I have nothing in common with them. Yeah, people may say "opposites attract" but I honestly don't feel that it applies in real life, well, at least my life. There are only a few people who have similar interests as me, but I never really talk to them, mostly out of awkwardness. To me, I want friends who actually would want to hang out with me, not make up every excuse in the book to not hang out with me. I want friends who care about my feelings, whether I feel really sad or happy. Comfort me when I'm sad, cheer me on when I'm feeling good about myself. Honestly, Facebook has ruined me. I'm always expecting those things I just mentioned whenever I post a status update about my feelings, but nobody responds. However, when someone like Yudi has her annoying little sob stories, many friends will try to comfort her, including me. But I feel like I get nothing in return from her (or other friends) when similar, if not worse experiences happen to me. I don't want just an "Oh, I'm sorry *sadfaise*" I want my friends to talk to me and try their best to cheer me up, just like I do to them. All I want is the same respect given to me as I give to them.
I want to be around people who I can be myself with, where I don't have to feel like a complete idiot if I told them, "Hey, I like anime, I cosplay, oh, and I also love listening to Kpop" and so on. I've realized this in my Japanese class this quarter. There are many like minded people in that class, who know what I'm talking about and even have similar interests, like anime and cosplay. I don't have to think, "wow, this person's gonna think I'm the biggest dork of all time" because you know what?? They are big dorks, exactly like me. Now I haven't talked to a whole lot of the kids in my class, but I definitely can say I feel very comfortable in that class. It's like a geek haven for me XD No matter how tired I am that day, I always want to stay in that class longer than we're supposed to, just because I really enjoy it. I feel sad when I have to leave and return to my "fake world". Now I know that I can still act myself around other people, but I'm really not like that. I'm not strong enough to fully express myself of others, I'm always trying to stay out of the limelight, so others don't talk smack about me. I've always been sensitive and constantly wondering how others perceive me. I want to stop those feelings, but I honestly don't think I can let go fully. But believe me, I've been a lot more open with myself lately than I have been in the past, and it has made me feel better. I still get those feelings back, but they're certainly not as strong as they used to be. Little by little, I'm trying to get out of that bubble.
Overall, I just want to be with people where I'm not afraid to be myself. I'm sick of trying to hide everything, yet I'm still afraid of what people will think.

I've been trying to get over my ridiculous crush on Larry, which every time I interact with him now, reasserts my need to get over him. I've been trying to talk to him online, but I'm not much of a chatter, and he doesn't really ask me anything at all, I suppose that should've been a sign that he wasn't interested in talking to me. The past few times I chatted with him, I regretted it, just because it was awkward and I tried to force conversation, but he just wouldn't respond to me the way he used to. I should've given up then, but I didn't. I still wanted to see him and hang out with him. So this past Saturday was the final straw. I go to the mall where he works at with my sister, eager to say hi and chat with him a bit. So I finally get a chance to, but it was kinda awkward, which upset me. I always have things I want to say in my head, but they just never get to come out. So anyways, I was about to try to actually talk to him when this girl who also works somewhere in the mall walks up to him, talking about how she's "upset" that he didn't text her or whatever. So then he begins talking to her, and he kinda apologizes to me and so does the girl, but it wasn't very sincere, and they continued their conversation. My sister was just like, let's go, and began to walk away, but stupid me didn't want to leave just yet. "Maybe wait a little longer." Pfft. So as I turned around he asked if I was leaving, and I kinda joked, "probably, unless you want me to stay...". He looked to the side, like he didn't really want me to, so I was just like, whatever and left. I mean, what gets me is that this girl comes up to us, totally interrupting our conversation, so then I'm stuck talking to his coworker, which we were both awkward and I just laughed and said she didn't have to talk to me and that it wasn't a big deal. I think she got the idea that I was upset, and kinda joked around with me about Larry being a "bad friend". I was hoping he would come on Facebook and apologize, just saying something like, "hey, sorry about what happened, I didn't mean to blow you off like that," or something to that effect, but of course, nothing. Knowing guys, he probably didn't realize that hey, maybe this really did bother me. I dunno. But it finally got to my head that maybe it's time I gave up on him and moved on, but it makes me feel like an idiot for liking him so much before. We used to joke around easily and I always liked hanging around him because I thought he was fun, but lately he's changed. I guess it's just because he's grown up more and is focusing more on his major, and I've grown up too. But whatever. I'm still kinda upset about what happened, but more upset at myself for being such an idiot trying to talk to him and stuff, when he probably wasn't interested in me in the first place.
But enough about him. I just want to get over him so I don't have to deal with this crap any longer.

Another BIG thing that has been stressing me out is money. I'm almost $100 in debt. I mean, it's my fault for being so frivolous with my money, but I'm really worried about what I have to do. Every few days, I think that Paypal is taking $20 that I owe them out of my bank account. I thought I had enough to buy what I needed, but apparently I didn't. My dad's really upset because I keep spending my money left and right. I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't want my parents to pay up the $20 and all that other money I have to pay, but I really don't have a choice. I don't want them to buy everything for me like they always do... I don't know, but this whole situation has been stressing me out all evening. I really want to be a much better person than I am. I want to be a more studious and good student, I want to have a job, my driver's license, some money so I can pay all this crap off, but I'm afraid because I don't know where to start. I really can't motivate myself. I feel like such a child because I need my parents to tell me what to do all the time instead of doing it on my own. I try to motivate myself, but I never get anything done. Lists and goals just don't seem to work for me. I can't get myself to push myself further so I can be more successful and happy with my life. I feel like I'm still a kid, but the sad thing is, is that I don't want to grow up. I just can't get myself to face reality because I don't want to. I really wish I could just do everything that I mentioned, but I don't know how. I don't know if depression is what's setting me back or what, but I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life.

All these things I've mentioned have been eating me up inside these past weeks. I've cried so many times, and because I found out about my money problems today, I cried even harder. So many emotions and feelings have been building up, that I cried so hard, and I felt like I couldn't stop. I had to try so hard not to breakdown crying in front of my mom and my sister. I know I should tell her what's bothering me, but I don't want her to get upset with me about my money problems. She's certainly not the type that would be, "oh it's ok, don't worry. We'll work things out. I'll help you." No, everything's my fault, which in this case, I know it is, but I would still like some support. Maybe I'm just a baby about that... I love my mom and we've been getting along better, but there are still things that I can't talk to her about without her making me feel even worse. She's not always the most compassionate person. And since my dad knows about the money issue, he's been upset, constantly asking me what I'm going to do. Getting a job would be an easy option, but then my social anxieties aren't helping with that. I suppose one of the best things I could do would be going to a therapist. I just feel like I'd spend the whole time crying *shrugs*

So yeah, story of my life right now. I'm just praying (even though I'm not really religious at all) that everything gets better. I really just don't know what to do anymore. I want to work on myself, but I feel like I don't know how...

This paper's coming along just fine

Sarcasm. Sarcasm.

I have to write a paper for my English class, it's really simple: just a 500-700 word argument on whatever we want to write about. Ugh, why is the easy stuff just so hard to do!? I came up with a topic and although I'm almost done with it, I just can't seem to finish it. I don't really even like what I'm writing anyway... It's about texting and how dumb it is, but I just don't like how I wrote it.

In other non-school related news: Last month I bought Ace Attorney Investigations- Miles Edgeworth. I finished it in about a week and a half. It was pretty good and I was pleasantly surprised. I love the Ace Attorney series, but I don't really care for Edgeworth- who is a prosecutor- the main character's rival. But although I still don't care for Edgeworth too much, I liked his character in the game. A lot of the new characters were interesting and fun, especially my two new favorites Shi-Long Lang and his assistant Shih-na. This game had quite a few surprises that were well...quite surprising!! I would talk about them in more detail, but that would take up too much space and time... The only thing I didn't care for is that it was too easy. I usually have to spend forever thinking up the correct answers in the past AA games, which would then resort to just finding the answer online, but I only had to look up the answers once or twice and other times were to just confirm a hunch I had- which to me, is too easy.

Yay!! :D

Umm, what else...?? I've been really wanting to go to some more conventions, there are quite a few near where I live. There were two last month, both an hour away from me, but nobody could go with me ;_; My sisters both had work, and so did all my other friends. Jessica "conveniently" had to work and then go to a dance performance on the day of the other convention. I just don't understand...Why would she not want to go to an anime convention when she friggin' likes anime and Japanese stuff?! I told her everything that happened at Ohayocon and she kept saying that she wished she could go, but everytime I invite her, she just says no.
Whatever. Anyways, I would like to go to a lot more cons and there are a lot of people I really want to cosplay as. Such as older Ema Skye from the Ace Attorney series (well, Apollo Justice), Shih-na (AAI), Hatsune Miku (Vocaloid), and Megurine Luka (also from Vocaloid). *SIGH*

Thinking about buying a new outfit for Ellie. Just something that's kind of cheap from Dollmore. It's a pink mini dress with a matching lolita style headband, a pair of bloomers, and knee-high socks. I would really like to get her a blonde wig because she looks really cute with them on some of the pictures on Dollmore. On Saturday, I took some pics of her and my Jessica's doll, Liebe, and I stole the blonde wig Jessica bought. She doesn't want me to use it because she's afraid that it'll get tangled up, but I used it anyway, just to see how Ellie looked in it. She looked pretty cute!! :]


Ellie with blonde hair :] I didn't get to touch up the picture yet :\


Jessica's doll, Liebe. I touched up the picture...well, tried.

Oh, I think I forgot to mention that I changed Noel's name to Ellie. I don't know how long this name will last, but I prefer it to Elodie Noel or just Noel. She's too cute and happy to have a drawl name. Not that I don't like the other two names, I just think Ellie is cute for her...for now XD

I'm thinking about selling some old stuff I don't want anymore... I'm having a hard time deciding what I want to sell... Of course, it doesn't help that I'm at school XD Well, I should go now. Enough random blabbering...

New post since how long...??

Yeah, it's been awhile. Spring is here, but it's been feeling like summer these past few weeks... Ohayocon is way done and over with, along with two other cons that were right near where I live D: It was fun, although I lost one of my circle lenses two days before the con ;_; I never got to wear them both, just one *sobs*

Spring quarter started 3 weeks ago. I'm taking Ger 203, and in that class, you have to write papers in German. I'm not confident in my grammar at all, so I'm pretty nervous about all that, but my instructor is usually lenient when it comes to writing, which makes me feel a bit better. But still. After this, there are only conversation and composition classes. I'm also taking Bio, Eng, and Rel. Bio is boring beyond reason, mostly because it's too long and while I don't mind my professor, she just drags things out too much, she goes on and on about certain topics. Also, waking up early for 8:30 lab sucks. I hate waking up early...

So yeah, that's about it right now. Too tired to post much of anything else. More later :D

Random things...

Ok, so I haven't posted anything in awhile, not that anybody's reading this to care!! Anyways, so I went to Half Price Books a few days ago... I think it was Saturday, when, yet again, I found some really awesome stuff!! I found 2 Sailor Moon anime manga(they were just comics based entirely from the S.M episodes) in the original Japanese for only $4.98!! Not bad considering the regular price tag(from wherever this person bought it from), which was $10.98 each!! I also found a random issue of Nakayoshi- a Japanese magazine aimed towards young girls that is literally chock full of manga stories(and I thought Shoujo Beat was thick!!) They used to have S.M in there back when it first came out. But anyways, this was from 2008...May...I think?? I haven't had a chance to really look through it all, but I'm just still wigging out on all my super awesome, totally random finds!! 8D

So school's almost out, just three more exams and then I'm done for the friggin' quarter!! I was sooo excited that I got an A+ on my cultural narrative paper I had to write for English!! I wrote it on Irish dance and how annoying it is to have I.D be compared to Riverdance and other things. The comment that he wrote on my paper made me blush SOOO much!! It was just basically saying that the paper was well organized, interesting, and that I did a really good job writing it and stuff like that. 8DDDDD Ooooh, I can't help but blush like crazy whenever he talks to me, even write nice comments on my papers!! XD Oh and when he tries to talk to me in German...XD Very cute!! Ok, enough about my lil' schoolgirl crush kekeke!!

I was thinking on writing some more about school, but I'll do it later, when I'm not pulling an all nighter and can hardly see the keys on my keyboard.

Yay school's almost over for the quarter!! 8D

FINALLY!! I'm so ready for school to be done and over with. Well, at least this quarter. I'm sick of all the papers I have to write, I'm sick of waking up early in the morning (I'm not a morning person at all). Anyways, I still need to sign up for my classes for next quarter. I want to wait and see what grades I have so I don't sign up for the wrong classes or whatever. I still need to see my adviser and honestly, I'm scared of her. I've met her in person once but from what her emails were like and even how she was towards me when we met she seemed kind of rude. She seemed to cut me off when I tried talking to her and she never told me what I needed to do for my major. She just suggested some classes for me that I should take for winter quarter and that was it. She didn't mention the rest of the classes I should take for the future or whatever. I need to switch advisers or something.

Halloween just happened a few days ago. It was beyond boring for me. I did nothing except read a little bit and pass out candy to the kids. I don't see what's so great about Halloween... I think it's one of the holidays I can live with out.

Apparently, I need to write a paper for my regional studies class which I had no idea we had to. I need to come up with a topic soon. I don't think he even mentioned anything about the paper. I know that we have to write about something current in the Middle East(at least I think we do) but that's about it. I also need to write my English paper as well as rewrite my comparative studies paper. It's pretty interesting because I'm writing about Japanese fashion, which I'm really interested in.

Errr, that's it for now. I'm tired and bored.

It's 6 in the flippin' morning. No sleep. First day of school today.

WLEMWLAMALFMDLSFMDSLGMDSGJ!!! Why did I decide to pull an all nighter?!!? OMG I'm so tired, but now it's too late to fall asleep because I have to wake up in less than 45 minutes to get ready for school DDDD: I'm not one who needs just a simple power nap and I'll be good to go. Oh no, I need a full 8+ hours of sleep in order to not feel extremely tired or cranky when I wake up. I don't want to go out of my room because I don't want my parents to know I pulled an all nighter... Oh man, I can't wait to get home from school and fall asleep!! Good thing that it's only the first day of classes, because I would be even more screwed if we really had to focus on lectures or tests... LSDKLSMDLSWDOEFL!!!

Buuuut, my birtday's coming up soon!! I can't wait!! I'm only gonna be 21, but I already feel old... I never really did anything in my life that was meaningful, minus Irish dance. That was pretty much the only thing I ever really did that was interesting. I never participated in any extra curricular activities at school, participate in talent shows, except when I was like, in the 2nd grade. It was the stupidest thing ever. I don't know why I even agreed to dance the macarena to a friggin' BEATLES SONG DDDD: Anyways, I never was in any clubs or went to school dances(in high school, but I did go to 2 at St. Lukes, those don't really count...), I never did anything to stand out and really be myself, I only did things that would make me blend in with others(for the most part). I don't have a job right now and my academic career dropped like a lead balloon... I don't even know what I want to do in the future now. I've been wanting to teach ESL, but I'm not sure if I still want to do that. I just wanted to teach ESL so I could go to Japan or even Korea kekekke XDD I just want to do something different for a change, do something meaningful, but I'm always too afraid of people judging me... Bad thoughts, but I can't help them... :[

Ahh, listening to Super Junior always makes me feel better :] Blargh, I blame Yudi for introducing me to them. Ever since then, I've been obsessed with them!! D: kekekeke :3 More about them later... :O

I'm pretty nervous about my German class, I don't really remember a whole lot from this past year... I'm screwed DX I hope that my other classes go well and that I have decent professors. I also have a new professor for German(I had my other for 2 quarters), so I hope she's nice. I doubt that she'd be as awesome as my other prof. but I just don't want a bitchy teacher... lbgdsfladsflds Whatever...

6:26 right now.... UGH. No more all nighters unless I'm 100% NOT tired. I can't wait to get something to eat, I'm so hungry.

Time to talk about my dollie!! :D Part 2

Unfortunately, I had to get a Paypal account, which I didn't have and had no clue what to do. So then I had to make an online bank account in order to make the Paypal account work. Well, I didn't know my account number so after long hours of searching, I found it. I then did all the doohickeys I was supposed to do and final paid for my order. That took about a day or two, which was agonizing because I wanted to pay for her as soon as possible!!

I then had to wait a few weeks when finally they shipped her out. I looked on the tracking every single day and almost every single hour. It took about 2 days for her to be shipped out to the air port in Korea, then about 3 days for her to come to the US, and about a day or so to get to my house. At first, I was really mad because I figured that she would come Monday instead of Friday or Saturday(I thought they would've came by then). But suddenly on Sunday(YES, Sunday!!), a mail truck came and my mom shouted for me and told me the mail man's here. I ran downstairs and saw my dad outside with the mailman and he gave him the package. My doll was here!! I opened the garage door and took my doll from my dad and ran back inside. I set the box on the dining table and I was shaking like crazy!!

Opening everything was very tedious, but worth it because Chami was sooo lovely!! She came with the wig and eyes I requested already on her and some undies. I then put her outfit on her and she looked so cute!! It was hard to handle her at first(and still is) because I felt so clumsy holding her.

At first, my mom called her Saoirse even before I got her, but I didn't really like that name for her so I spent the next few days coming up with a name. I looked at some baby naming sites and tried to find a good name. I then came to the conclusion that I wanted her to have a French sounding name and I really liked the name Noel for her. My sister had a book of French baby names where I found "Elodie." I liked that name as well for her so she's now "Elodie Noel" but I just call her Noel... sometimes Elodie...sometimes both XDD

Anyways, she's just beautiful looking and I love taking pictures of her, especially her face(mostly because I'm not good at coming up with unique poses). I hope to get a few more in the future, but that's if I actually get a JOB!! Not have to resort to....ugh, I don't wanna think about it. I'm gonna have to pay all that back in the not too distant future DDD: Well, I'm happy with her presently, so that's all that matters :3

Pics next post X3

Time to talk about my dollie!! :D Part 1

Well, I haven't done this on my LJ yet, so I figured I'd do it here... To anyone who ever reads this(....anybody??? *sniffle*) Aw, I don't care. Maybe for my future self...?? Ok, so anywho, I need to talk about my lurrrvely BJD.

I've always wanted an ABJD(Asian ball-jointed doll) ever since I saw one on this one girl's website where she made pixel dolls. Ah, I remember those days when that was really big. Ok so anyways, she made some of her base dolls look like Dollfies. I was curious about them so I looked them up online and I instantly fell in love. These dolls were so awesome!! You could actually customize them yourself into pretty much anything you wanted!! You can change their hair, eyes, make-up, paint their nails, give them tattoos, give them piercings, anything!! I wanted one so badly, but they're ridiculously expensive.
So after years of losing interest, then gaining interest in them, over and over again, I told my mom about them. I showed her a website called Dollmore(where I got mine!! :3), and she really liked them too. She asked me all sorts of questions about them and we looked at all sorts of different dolls. So then, I thought it would be a perfect oppurtunity to convince my mom to let me buy one. At first, it didn't work out. She would just smile and nod whenever I mentioned them. After school ended for summer, I told my mom again that I wanted one. She then asked how much they costed and I told her. She said, "Oh, well that's not as bad as I thought," and then told me that I should buy one. I was like, "WHHHAAAT!!?" buuut thinking that of course kekekkeke XD I was afraid to buy her because the only way of paying for her was...oh I don't wanna say it(it's not like THAT sickos!!).
In early July, my mom and dad went to northern OH to visit boring geneology stuff for her birthday when I decided that I was gonna buy a doll!! My mom called for...something...I can't remember, but anyways, before she hung up, I said, "Mom?? I was wondering if I could get a doll..."
*long pause* "Ok, but you do need to think about what you're gonna get. You can't get too much because you don't have enough money...blah blah blah" After many "I know's" and "ok's" I jumped for joy and started to decide on what doll I was going to get. It took forever because I couldn't decide what doll I wanted. So about 10 something at night(my mom called around 2 in the afternoon LOL), I finally decided which doll I wanted: a Youth Dollmore Eve named Chami. So I ordered her and after much decision making, I bought an outfit for her(a cheaper one that only costed...$16 I think.), chose the eyes and hair I wanted her to come in, and sent the order!!

I'm never good with these things...

So, uhh, first post here...yay...??...!! I usually don't know what the heck to say whenever I start journals and stuff.. But yeah. I don't know what I'm gonna put in here because I already have an LJ account and write stuff in there... So, I dunno. I think this is gonna be the less angry journal...or something. Usually in my LJ, I just rant about whatever's pissing me off at the time, or just emo a lot kekeke XDDDD I think I'll just write about stuff that interests me, so it'll probably be really random, which is fine by me because I'm most likely the only one who will be reading this kekekeke....